Well, I Am Still...

.....feeling awful. I can't breathe and my nose is stuffy and I keep sneezing.

Joy..

Yeah, right!

Just sitting here being bored... as always. Nothing to do around here. Duh. Went to McDonald's and got two apple pies though. That made me happy!!!!! I love those things. 2 for $1, can't beat that! I could get ten of them. That wouldn't be healthy, but oh well...

Tired. I took a nap this afternoon too. I kept having weird dreams though. Who knows...

I'll come back.

Much love.

So Here I Sit....

.....blogging at work!!!

Yup, for sure.... This phone has the full keypad so that makes it sooo much easier! Plus there are no character limits on this phone like there were on the Razr.

I still feel icky!!! I skipped all my classes today. I could barely move, barely talk, barely think... I honestly am not worried about this semester. None of it will count at BYU Idaho so whatever.... Sigh.

Not much longer. Here's to hoping the big reunion will be happening in three months. I can live with that. Meg said when I talked to her earlier that it will be happening soon.... You had better be right, Meg!!! You always were in the past.....

I need to talk to that annoying brother of mine... Haha, just kidding as far as annoying goes. Brother John is far from annoying. I miss him too, but I doubt I can make it to Pennsylvania to see him anytime soon. I miss my sisters too.... Monica, Shanice, Ashley, Jen, Jennifer.... And my favorite sisters Katie B., Bri and Hannah. Soon, very soon....

My life sucks without you guys.

I shall return later.

Much love.

Just Because....

....I feel like writing some more.

I mean, yeah, I obviously have no life... Lisa and I reiterate that to ourselves every night as we sit here in the lobby mindlessly staring at our computer screens. We DO have no lives.... it's sad! Poor us!

Well, I did have a life.... it was torn down in April, and the rest of it collapsed on August 7.

Yeah, yeah.... you all know that.

Still don't feel well, but I'm better than earlier.... took two sinus headache pills and they've helped. It's that time life of the year, I guess.

Got a message from Elder Miskell earlier via Facebook. It's so nice to be able to keep in touch with everyone. I am so ready to be out there in Idaho... shame life doesn't come with a fast-forward button.

I'm waiting for my other Lisa to call me back... she met Glenn Beck twice yesterday (in Seattle and in Mt. Vernon) and I want to hear the details, details, details.... I wish I could have been there with her. We would have had a blast!!

I need to finish the WDW CP application so I can have the interview within the next two weeks. Then I need to call down to the church in Laurel and get an interview set up to have my ecclesiastical endorsement filled out and sent on its merry way. Need to get the ACT scores and the high school transcript... so by the time the 15th gets here, I'll be more than ready. Oh, and I need to get my dad to pay the $30 processing fee with his credit card. NOT my mom. No way am I asking her. I'll have my credit card by then so I might can do it, but it'll be easier getting my dad to help with that.

Yup, I'm finally getting a credit card. The Wal Mart Discover card so I can finally get my gas for $2.05 a gallon (that's how much it is in Laurel!!!!!). The stations here in Ellisville are ripping people off- I mean, gas is $2.40 here and anywhere from $2.05-$2.25 in Laurel? Please. Just another reason I hate small towns.

So I'm lucky I didn't get burned tonight.... I was heating the soup in the microwave and when I took it out, a pocket of air in it popped and soup went flying everywhere! Luckily no major damage was done... and the soup was a-ok. I love any kind of chowder, of course it was ok. And of course I had my Halloween Oreos.....

I think I'll quit and come back later.

Much love.

I Thought Earlier.....

....that I seriously HAD contracted the swine flu. No joke.

I had being feeling funky since about midnight last night... weird headache, kinda achy all over.... went to sleep (but barely got any). Woke up this morning with a headache that was RAGING, a sore throat, drainy mucus junk running down my throat, runny nose, sore all over.... I'm not kidding!!! I told my parents I seriously felt blah blah blah! Laid back down till around 4pm then left to come back to JCJC.... well, two boiling hot showers later (inhaling the aroma of my lavender bath goods in the steam of the shower to open my head up) and with a bowl of potato and ham chowder in me, I feel immensely better. My head isn't fully done aching, and my throat is still pouring mess, but I feel better. Perhaps I needed the hot soup and the steaming showers and the nap. Yes, yes, it helped tremendously...

I think I know what my problem is though. A little six letter word we like to call STRESS.

Plus, whenever I cry continuously for several days on end, this happens too. My eyes were the main piece of me aching, after my poor head, of course.

This is all such a nightmare.

The only good thing is I have a great support system as far as the whole BYU Idaho transfer goes. Both my Lisas, Brandon, Em, Katie, Elicia, Elder Miskell, my dad.... the most surprising one is my dad. I never thought he'd support me, but he is. My mom seems to be against it. You'd think she'd be for it, but noooo...... she's too wrapped up in the Enterprise school district and impressing them to care. My grandma, her mother, is against it too... why I have no clue. We live in the same town and I haven't seen either set of my grandparents in over a year. At least my dad has agreed to pay whatever it costs. He knows I want out of here. I'm miserable.

I want to get away from Mississippi...

And, I want some shred of my old life back. The life I had from Janaury till April.

I want to be back with Brandon. And Emmilie.

I miss them more than I have ever missed anyone in my life. I love them both oh so much and can't wait to see them again. I hope that won't be much longer.

Uhhhh..... sneezing. Eew. I better go for now.

Much love.

It Was One Of Those Days....

.....but who is surprised?

I have the area music loop from the now-dead Wonders Of Life pavilion playing now. That 63 minutes of musical genius always makes me so nostalgic. Epcot did a horrid thing by closing it. But not getting into that now...

My head is pounding. Throbbing. Raging. Searing. Pulsating. Aching. Any synonym for hurting you can think of. I cried a good bit again today. As always. I need to invest in waterproof mascara..... My eyes are burning too. Even my teeth hurt. But this isn't anything new- I hurt like this in my head every day.

It's so funny how pain manifests itself. My head, neck, eyes, arms, every inch of me aches all over. I'm not sick. The H1N1 swine flu hasn't overtaken me. It's just depression. Loneliness. The never-ending feeling of despair.

I miss him. More than anyone can imagine. More than anyone can conceive to know.

No need to tell who I miss.... those who know me know.

18 days and I'll have the application submitted. Then maybe this nightmare will be over.

I can only pray it will.

Much love.

It's the Great Pumpkin.....

....on my blog!!!!

I love Halloween. Can't wait for it!!! We're doing an Edgar Allan Poe-themed costume party this year (well, the creative writing club is). My costume is themed for "The Raven" and I'm going as Lenore.... the biggest task is finding a raven to carry.... I think I'll go to Spirit Halloween next week to get my cloak that I want to wear with the costume and inquire about ordering a raven. Dr. Townsend said she'd ensure I'm excused from classes on the 30th to read from "The Raven" all decked out and then participate in the various events. That's about the only thing about JCJC that is good this year.

So I rather like this pumpkin layout.

Much love.

I Suppose I Should Figure Out....

....quite a few things that would make my existance much easier if I could solve them. Not that I likely will, but it never hurts to try.

I mean, above all else, why is it that some nights I stay up till freaking 5am because I can't sleep and others I hit the hay at 9pm and am dead to the world? Answer me that.... hmmmm, bet you can't any more than I can.

Maybe I just have whacked-out sleeping habits... or maybe I just crash at the end of the week. Or maybe it's due to my overwhelming sadness that hits me at the worst possible moments.

That might be it.

And also.... why is time dragging? Come on, it could speed up some! Be October 15 so my application could be done and sent off.... be December 18 so I can be done with this current college.... be January 6 so I can (hopefully) be in Orlando..... be April 20 so I can be in Rexburg.

I told my mom today I just want to be out there. I told her I want to see Brandon. And Emmilie. Mainly Brandon, but still.... I also want to see Jordan. Shaun. Go down to Provo and see Elicia and Amy. Maybe even see Sarah.

I just want my old life back. The life I had from January to April 15.

April 15 is a rather black day in history, agreed? Tax Day... the day Abraham Lincoln died.... the day the Titanic sank... Sacco and Vanzetti supposedly murdered those two men.... numerous WWII battles were fought..... the Hillsoborough Disaster took place in England..... Tianenmen Square protests.... and for me, it is the day when my world came to a rude and abrupt halt.

Maybe that halt will move again soon. I have faith it will.

Much love.

And One More...

....thing to add.

There still are good people in this world. Seriously.

I'm sitting here in the lobby on the laptop. A girl comes up to me and asks if I have ten cents, as she is short by that amount for the drink machine. I do. I give her the dime. She thanks me.

Two minutes later, she comes back and repays my dime.

Now, it's a dime. I don't worry about change like that. Ten bucks, maybe, but a dime... nope. But she repayed me. I don't know her, she doesn't know me. I was just helping a sister out. I don't expect payment back. But I got it.

Yet another moment to warm my heart and soul. Things are getting better!

Hallelujah, amen!!!

I'm done for the night blogging. For real. Just wanted to say that.

Much love!

Going Back To....

.....what I posted yesterday. Yeah, that. Uh-huh.

Anywhoo...

Funny, I've been patiently waiting for said happy happy joy joy moment for a while and finally got one. Here's to hoping my continuing patience will pay off big time.

That's all.

Much love.

Well It's About Time...

...that I had a happy happy joy joy, jump-up-and-down, shout and holler, cry tears of delight day.

Ok, so maybe I didn't do all those things, but I did have a happy happy joy joy moment getting ready to go to Journalism. When I get a text message on my totally awesome LG Xenon, it doesn't register who the message is from until you open it, just to let you know, (my old junky Motorazr did show who messages were from, which was kind of deflating since the element of surprise would get sucked away). So the message that popped up on the screen at 11:07am simply said "1 New Message" before I opened it. I figured it was my mom telling me something or asking an English question since she was subbing for the 10th grade English class today. Or maybe one of the messages I get from The Weather Channel telling me the day's forecast.... Or a text from someone still in Florida, like Gina or Hannah or Katie B.

Uhhh, noooo..... none of the above.

It was from my very favorite person on the face of whole entire earth.

Yeah, and we all know who that is..... that would be the one-and-only Brandon.

See, that's just living proof that God is all around us and He listens to us when we pray, AND that the Holy Spirit lives in all of us and tells us what to do and when to do it.

And perhaps it's also proof that when you least expect something, it happens.

Because, I pray every night for something small and unexpected, for a miracle, for an answer.... I know God listens to me. He gave me something to smile about this morning. He let me know that one of my most cherished friends still thinks about me and still loves me.

Hallelujah!!!

Much love.

Well well well well....

....Well.

Ahem.

Not much to say here... not much going on. Just still breathing, still waking up everyday, I guess is the greatest thing I'm doing. Oh yeah, and praying, but that goes without saying.

I hate JCJC. I'm reiterating that once again. Just for clarification. Just to make things uber crystal clear. Sparkling uber crystal clear.

Ok, moving on from that....

23 days left. Three weeks, two days. Until I can officially submit the BYU Idaho application for the spring.Needless to say, I am desperate for that day to come. I can't stand the wait much longer. It's excruciating!!!

The only thing about it that isn't quite so uber cool is that Emmilie will be in Ukraine when I get to Idaho (might as well say it- like they're really going to turn me down). But my numero uno friend Brandon will be there- or so he better be. He'll be in a tremendous amount of trouble if he isn't for some strange reason (you know I'm kidding, Brandon). He's a ginormous chunk of why I'm going out there. Him, Em, and being surrounded by other Mormons and getting a solid Gospel education. Paradise, if you ask me. All idyllically set in Idaho.

Yay!!!! My parents should thrilled to be shelling out the money for this one. Better than shelling out the $20K plus for USM every year. I don't really think they want that any more than I do.

Enough rambling.....

Much love.

I Was Just Sitting Here Thinking.....

......About how great it will be when I finally have a life again. I haven't had a true life in over five months. The final shred of a semi-normal life vanished last month, and here I sit, languishing away in Mississippi, reminiscing about the way things used to be with anyone who will listen. That is mainly my mother, and I can only do that when my crazy brother is being quiet, my father is off doing something, and my insufferable sister is as far away as humanly possible. I thought at first talking about the memories would make it easier for me to accept the fact that those days are gone, but it hasn't. I don't think anything will ever make me accept that fact.

April seems like a million years away. Even January, a hopeful month for me because things might change even sooner than I have planned, seems too far away to imagine. Even the pivotal date of October 15, in a mere 3 weeks, seems like another lifetime from now.

All I have left is faith, hope, and love....

Faith in God, faith that He will answer the prayer I have spoken every day and every night since 2:25pm on April 15, 2009. Faith that everything will be all right, that my patience will make everything worthwhile in the end.

Hope that this time next year, I'll look back and laugh over all the tears I cried, laugh about those tears with the person who I shed them for and who I shed them over. Hope that I can wake up and see that my pillow is free from tears, free from the streaks of mascara that rub off on the fabric when I cry.

Love for those around me who are helping me achieve this dream, this goal, this reality. Love for the one person that saved me, that opened my eyes to so many things.... faith and hope that my love for him will never die, no matter what happens.

That's all for now. My internet is finicky tonight, so best I post this while my connection is strong.

Much love.

In Other News...

....I start working tomorrow. Thankfully!! Now I shall have money to buy gas and pay on the car.

Going to Hattiesburg on Saturday to buy business attire.... AKA work clothes which will then be promoted to BYUI clothes.

I can't believe I just ate an entire footlong tuna Subway and a snack sized bag of chips.... Hmmm, I must have been hungry.

I just..... Sigh. Yeah. The usual.

Much love.

Just a Few Things...

....I must say. Ahem...

I hate my community college with a passion. Ok, that down.

I need to write that music essay as in right now or Ms. Newell is not going to like me anymore.

Creative writing is the only class here that is holding my attention thus far, seeing as I love to write and read and all that jazz.

I was reading my Gospel Principles book this morning I brought home from Florida and I am prouder and prouder every day to be LDS. Hmmm, could be a bumper sticker... though around here my car would likely get keyed if, plastered to the lovely behind of my 2002 Saturn L200, was a sticker that said "Proud to be LDS!" Oh well....

I got a job offer from SCMRC earlier. In HR doing filing and scanning. Woohoo!!

I hate texting my dad because he NEVER texts back. As in.... NEVER!!

I am uber hungry but am too lazy to walk down to the sub shop and grab something. I can wait three hours till dinner time, I just know it.

And on my final note....

.....I miss Emmilie.

I miss Aaron.

I miss Katie.

And I extremely and totally and completely miss Brandon. Sorry Em, Aaron, and Katie... but I think you guys know I miss Brandon the most.

Much love.

So As I Sit Here...

....I realize a better use of my time today would not have been sleeping from 1pm til 6pm. But hey, it was dark and rainy, I was feeling a little blahhhh, this isn't a good date for me anyways, seeing as it's been five months......

Question of the millenium- IS IT APRIL 2010 YET???

Ok, nope, it isn't.... carry on.

So I have to go on SCRMC's website and fill out more job applications..... write the essay for Ms. Newell..... do Dr. Townsend's creative writing homework..... write the essay for Ms. Griffin's class on my political beliefs.... and oh, yeah, start getting my application ready for WDW in January. And one more month till I apply for BYU Idaho!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe there is light at the end of this loooooong tunnel. I think I can see it now. Very very faint..... but still there.

Much love.

So Here I Am Again...

.....Updating this thing at the most random and sporadic time. Sounds about like something I would do. I mean, being spontaneous is a good thing, sure.... but not all the time.



Ok, that's said....



I was reading Em's latest entry about "the hunt" and yeah..... I can't wait to be on that same prowl when I get to Rexburg. Ok, so I already have some experience.... but honestly, I'm only on the prowl for one person and until that one person ends up off the market, so to speak.... yeah. But even that prowl is not an easy one.

Enough of that. That one person is the reason why I've been in such a sad state lately. And by sad, I mean sad- melancholy, distressed, moping, depressed, whatever. Tomorrow it will be five months.... here's to hoping I survive it without a major meltdown. I've been getting those lately- long crying fits that seem to last for a looooong time. Sigh. I hope it will all be over soon.

In happier news, yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my baptism. I've been LDS officially for 6 months. How glorious it is!!!!

Much love.

I Need to Do Myself a Favor....

..... and QUIT THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!

Ok, got that said.

I'm serious. I stayed up till 5:30am because the usual was on my mind and I couldn't sleep. I in turn slept till 4:20pm today.... that's right. 4:20 in the afternoon. I haven't done that in over three years. I only sleep like that when I'm really sad or depressed. And I'm both of those right now. This is also when I break out the super-sad music in iTunes, songs that never fail to make me cry. Seems that's all I do anymore.

It wasn't so bad from May until I came home. I was still in Florida and had other things to occupy my mind. I had Katie with me still, and I remember sitting in her apartment that night and admitting the truth to her, which she of course had already picked up on. I still had my friends that hadn't left me, such as Emmilie, until the end. I was always so grateful that my friend Debbie came to see me the week of April 26th, and that Ashley came up from Palm Beach on April 18th. Things like that, right after it happened, made me able to cope. I met Hannah and she helped me cope too. Bridget came back and helped.

Then came August 7 and I left, like certain individuals did to me in April.

Being at home, where I don't want to be, makes it worse. I can tolerate my 9yo brother (I mean, it's not his fault he has ADHD and is deaf in one ear). I am fine with my mom. I'm starting to be able to be around my dad. But my sister is intolerable. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but it's true. She needs to grow up and quit having my parents fight her battles for her. I'll help her with anything, be it ACT studying, Mrs. Cook's English class, or anything else, but she doesn't deserve it the way she acts. It's frustrating to me.

I've found, ever since my conversion to the LDS church, that I'm a much more calm, placid person. I'm willing to do anything for my family. I'm assured of my faith. My mother and I had a long talk about my faith a few days ago. She at first didn't want me to go to BYUI because of all the usual Mormon stereotypes she'd heard, but she now knows what a wonderful and true faith. Such as the stereotype one of the elementary teachers gave her- when the lady told my mom that I didn't need to go to BYUI and be with Mormons, that the boys would attempt to make me one of their ten wives.

Disgusting. And ignorant.

But that's typical of the people here. What they don't know about, they fear. It's a shame, really. It makes me sad. Lisa is the only one here at the school who doesn't act like I'm a freak. Pam, of course, will just condemn me to hell. She condemned Lisa for being Catholic, so she'll do me the same way.

I hate the Baptist church, which is Pam's faith, along with about 90% of the rest of this state. They are nothing but hypocrits. So sad, really, for supposed Christians. All the ones who are drunk on Friday nights show up at some Baptist church to be high and mighty on Sunday. Nope. Doesn't work that way. Your body is a temple; keep it that way.

I better quit writing this and write my creative writing character sketches.

Much love.

Time Is Passing Oh So Slowly....

.....It seems. Yeah, I know it's September, but still. It needs to be April 20, 2010. Then I'll cease to complain. But I have seven months and two weeks left till then, according to the little countdown banner I made. Hurry up and get here....

My headaches are much better. Got new glasses and new contacts. So amazing how correcting a simple problem stops whatever discomfort a person has. Now if I could just make my heart quit aching, we'd be good. There's only one way to do that, of course.... I doubt I'll be curing that ache any time soon. That's why I'm so anxious for April to get here- or even Janaury, if everything goes as planned. More on that as the time draws nearer.

I hate Jones Junior College with a passion. Enough said. I cannot WAIT for December 18 too. That's the day I leave that place forever!! Happy happy joy joy!!

On another note.... had a job interview at SCRMC a couple days ago in Laurel. Went really well too. Apparently no one wants to work in the E.R. from 3pm-11pm. I'll be glad too. I'm used to that shift anyway, since my WDW shifts were usually in that time frame. I'm praying they hire me. I need this job badly!!

I need to go on to bed.... it's 2:37am. Ok, turning the sappy songs off in iTunes and commencing sleep in 3....2....1......

Much love.