I Was Just Sitting Here Thinking.....

......About how great it will be when I finally have a life again. I haven't had a true life in over five months. The final shred of a semi-normal life vanished last month, and here I sit, languishing away in Mississippi, reminiscing about the way things used to be with anyone who will listen. That is mainly my mother, and I can only do that when my crazy brother is being quiet, my father is off doing something, and my insufferable sister is as far away as humanly possible. I thought at first talking about the memories would make it easier for me to accept the fact that those days are gone, but it hasn't. I don't think anything will ever make me accept that fact.

April seems like a million years away. Even January, a hopeful month for me because things might change even sooner than I have planned, seems too far away to imagine. Even the pivotal date of October 15, in a mere 3 weeks, seems like another lifetime from now.

All I have left is faith, hope, and love....

Faith in God, faith that He will answer the prayer I have spoken every day and every night since 2:25pm on April 15, 2009. Faith that everything will be all right, that my patience will make everything worthwhile in the end.

Hope that this time next year, I'll look back and laugh over all the tears I cried, laugh about those tears with the person who I shed them for and who I shed them over. Hope that I can wake up and see that my pillow is free from tears, free from the streaks of mascara that rub off on the fabric when I cry.

Love for those around me who are helping me achieve this dream, this goal, this reality. Love for the one person that saved me, that opened my eyes to so many things.... faith and hope that my love for him will never die, no matter what happens.

That's all for now. My internet is finicky tonight, so best I post this while my connection is strong.

Much love.

In Other News...

....I start working tomorrow. Thankfully!! Now I shall have money to buy gas and pay on the car.

Going to Hattiesburg on Saturday to buy business attire.... AKA work clothes which will then be promoted to BYUI clothes.

I can't believe I just ate an entire footlong tuna Subway and a snack sized bag of chips.... Hmmm, I must have been hungry.

I just..... Sigh. Yeah. The usual.

Much love.

Just a Few Things...

....I must say. Ahem...

I hate my community college with a passion. Ok, that down.

I need to write that music essay as in right now or Ms. Newell is not going to like me anymore.

Creative writing is the only class here that is holding my attention thus far, seeing as I love to write and read and all that jazz.

I was reading my Gospel Principles book this morning I brought home from Florida and I am prouder and prouder every day to be LDS. Hmmm, could be a bumper sticker... though around here my car would likely get keyed if, plastered to the lovely behind of my 2002 Saturn L200, was a sticker that said "Proud to be LDS!" Oh well....

I got a job offer from SCMRC earlier. In HR doing filing and scanning. Woohoo!!

I hate texting my dad because he NEVER texts back. As in.... NEVER!!

I am uber hungry but am too lazy to walk down to the sub shop and grab something. I can wait three hours till dinner time, I just know it.

And on my final note....

.....I miss Emmilie.

I miss Aaron.

I miss Katie.

And I extremely and totally and completely miss Brandon. Sorry Em, Aaron, and Katie... but I think you guys know I miss Brandon the most.

Much love.

So As I Sit Here...

....I realize a better use of my time today would not have been sleeping from 1pm til 6pm. But hey, it was dark and rainy, I was feeling a little blahhhh, this isn't a good date for me anyways, seeing as it's been five months......

Question of the millenium- IS IT APRIL 2010 YET???

Ok, nope, it isn't.... carry on.

So I have to go on SCRMC's website and fill out more job applications..... write the essay for Ms. Newell..... do Dr. Townsend's creative writing homework..... write the essay for Ms. Griffin's class on my political beliefs.... and oh, yeah, start getting my application ready for WDW in January. And one more month till I apply for BYU Idaho!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe there is light at the end of this loooooong tunnel. I think I can see it now. Very very faint..... but still there.

Much love.

So Here I Am Again...

.....Updating this thing at the most random and sporadic time. Sounds about like something I would do. I mean, being spontaneous is a good thing, sure.... but not all the time.



Ok, that's said....



I was reading Em's latest entry about "the hunt" and yeah..... I can't wait to be on that same prowl when I get to Rexburg. Ok, so I already have some experience.... but honestly, I'm only on the prowl for one person and until that one person ends up off the market, so to speak.... yeah. But even that prowl is not an easy one.

Enough of that. That one person is the reason why I've been in such a sad state lately. And by sad, I mean sad- melancholy, distressed, moping, depressed, whatever. Tomorrow it will be five months.... here's to hoping I survive it without a major meltdown. I've been getting those lately- long crying fits that seem to last for a looooong time. Sigh. I hope it will all be over soon.

In happier news, yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my baptism. I've been LDS officially for 6 months. How glorious it is!!!!

Much love.

I Need to Do Myself a Favor....

..... and QUIT THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!

Ok, got that said.

I'm serious. I stayed up till 5:30am because the usual was on my mind and I couldn't sleep. I in turn slept till 4:20pm today.... that's right. 4:20 in the afternoon. I haven't done that in over three years. I only sleep like that when I'm really sad or depressed. And I'm both of those right now. This is also when I break out the super-sad music in iTunes, songs that never fail to make me cry. Seems that's all I do anymore.

It wasn't so bad from May until I came home. I was still in Florida and had other things to occupy my mind. I had Katie with me still, and I remember sitting in her apartment that night and admitting the truth to her, which she of course had already picked up on. I still had my friends that hadn't left me, such as Emmilie, until the end. I was always so grateful that my friend Debbie came to see me the week of April 26th, and that Ashley came up from Palm Beach on April 18th. Things like that, right after it happened, made me able to cope. I met Hannah and she helped me cope too. Bridget came back and helped.

Then came August 7 and I left, like certain individuals did to me in April.

Being at home, where I don't want to be, makes it worse. I can tolerate my 9yo brother (I mean, it's not his fault he has ADHD and is deaf in one ear). I am fine with my mom. I'm starting to be able to be around my dad. But my sister is intolerable. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but it's true. She needs to grow up and quit having my parents fight her battles for her. I'll help her with anything, be it ACT studying, Mrs. Cook's English class, or anything else, but she doesn't deserve it the way she acts. It's frustrating to me.

I've found, ever since my conversion to the LDS church, that I'm a much more calm, placid person. I'm willing to do anything for my family. I'm assured of my faith. My mother and I had a long talk about my faith a few days ago. She at first didn't want me to go to BYUI because of all the usual Mormon stereotypes she'd heard, but she now knows what a wonderful and true faith. Such as the stereotype one of the elementary teachers gave her- when the lady told my mom that I didn't need to go to BYUI and be with Mormons, that the boys would attempt to make me one of their ten wives.

Disgusting. And ignorant.

But that's typical of the people here. What they don't know about, they fear. It's a shame, really. It makes me sad. Lisa is the only one here at the school who doesn't act like I'm a freak. Pam, of course, will just condemn me to hell. She condemned Lisa for being Catholic, so she'll do me the same way.

I hate the Baptist church, which is Pam's faith, along with about 90% of the rest of this state. They are nothing but hypocrits. So sad, really, for supposed Christians. All the ones who are drunk on Friday nights show up at some Baptist church to be high and mighty on Sunday. Nope. Doesn't work that way. Your body is a temple; keep it that way.

I better quit writing this and write my creative writing character sketches.

Much love.

Time Is Passing Oh So Slowly....

.....It seems. Yeah, I know it's September, but still. It needs to be April 20, 2010. Then I'll cease to complain. But I have seven months and two weeks left till then, according to the little countdown banner I made. Hurry up and get here....

My headaches are much better. Got new glasses and new contacts. So amazing how correcting a simple problem stops whatever discomfort a person has. Now if I could just make my heart quit aching, we'd be good. There's only one way to do that, of course.... I doubt I'll be curing that ache any time soon. That's why I'm so anxious for April to get here- or even Janaury, if everything goes as planned. More on that as the time draws nearer.

I hate Jones Junior College with a passion. Enough said. I cannot WAIT for December 18 too. That's the day I leave that place forever!! Happy happy joy joy!!

On another note.... had a job interview at SCRMC a couple days ago in Laurel. Went really well too. Apparently no one wants to work in the E.R. from 3pm-11pm. I'll be glad too. I'm used to that shift anyway, since my WDW shifts were usually in that time frame. I'm praying they hire me. I need this job badly!!

I need to go on to bed.... it's 2:37am. Ok, turning the sappy songs off in iTunes and commencing sleep in 3....2....1......

Much love.